That Early Retirement Show

Now for the topic I actually wanted to write about, when I decided to review 91 Days instead; my early retirement. Those whom I’ve known for a while already know about the struggle, but to those who might have stumbled upon this by accident, I’ll write a few words about it.

First of all, I’ve been stuck in the system since I was 18, which is pretty darn long, thinking about me being 31 now. In those many years, I tried fitting in, do as I was told, and overall just find my place in society. Funny enough, I failed every time I tried, and after several wrong diagnoses, many people who were hired to help but did the opposite, and a lot of internal struggles, I decided to simply give up. I’m usually not a person who ever gives up until everything has been tried, but despite what people might say about me, I’m only human, and I have my limits.

After half a year with a bitch of a contact at the jobcenter, the Asperger diagnose gnawing inside my head, another 2 years with a new contact, and constantly moving 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards, I decided that it was time to give up. At that point, suicide was the only thought that gave me some sort of comfort. The thought of always having an option, even if it was the very last one. It’s not like I wanted to die, especially not since I have a son and a boyfriend, but my head was full. I told my contact, that it was time for my early retirement, and I was ready to fight for it, as I was done with the bullshit system, and couldn’t take any more of it. There was no place for me in this society, and I had realized that, but of course she said “You have so much potential!”, and wrote the dude who had to decide whether or not it was time a note saying, that I wasn’t ready for an early retirement.

It made me so angry. You won’t believe the anger I felt after reading her note. My doctor for over 11 years said it was time. My old family counselor whom I’ve known for 7 years said it was time. My mentor for over a year said it was time. My parents were worried, and let’s not get started on my boyfriend. But that didn’t bother my contact at all. Lucky for me though, her opinion didn’t really matter that much. The dude got a statement from my doctor first, which of course ended up in a report in my favor. The doctor of the county said it wasn’t good enough though (of course not…), and asked for a psychologist to have a look at me. After talking to him, his report also ended up in my favor, and my contact at the jobcenter gave up, and changed her note to “It’s time, there’s nothing more we can do”. It was still not up to her though.

I expected a no, I really did. I was ready to start a 9 month long fight with the system. But I got a letter saying, that my early retirement had been granted, and would start from the 1st of October. I had it there, right in front of me, black on white, and yet I felt almost nothing. My 13 years of struggle had found an end, but I was too broken to even care much for it. I cried, a lot, but mainly because I had a hard time trusting the words of a system that has been lying towards me, and abusing me for years.

But now I’m retired. No more working as an intern. No more trying to fit in where I don’t. No more stress from a system that doesn’t care. It’s all over. Now it’s finally the time for me to be who I am, and not the one the system wanted me to be. I’m gonna cherish that last piece of self-respect and honor I still have left in me, and will now live my own life. Kind of about time if you ask me.

Now, I’m sure some will think “She’s just lazy!”, because there are always people who think that about those who are stuck in the system. The truth is though, that I’m everything but. I hate, no, I absolutely DESPISE being bored and having nothing to do. Being declared unable to maintain a job doesn’t mean I’m lazy. It just means that I’m unable to maintain a job. And believe me; I’ve tried my hardest to fit into the modern job system. I’ve been an intern at so many places, that I don’t even remember them all anymore, and I’ve got a pretty good memory. I’ve worked with kids, computers, graphics, plants, pets, zoo animals, elderly, decorations… I’ve even tried starting an education a few times, always dropping out because I didn’t fit in and became stressed. As the psychologist said; “I see no reason for the jobcenter to try you out in another job, when you’ve been through so much already, and it would only stress you further”. It’s usually a law that people who are considered for an early retirement must first show that they are incapable of maintaining a job, and that is being proven by being an intern… and failing. To me though, that would mean lots of unnecessary stress, another depression, and most probably an attempt at suicide in a fragile moment of despair.

So, what does it mean for me to be retired? It means that I’m no longer a puppet of the system. They are no longer allowed to send me out as an intern, or force me to search for a job or start an education anymore. I no longer have to go talk to someone every 3 months, and they are no longer allowed to monitor my bank account. The last one is the most important to me these days, as I’ve started my Etsy shop, and want to expand someday. I’ve not been allowed to make any money myself, as I’ve always gotten money from the state. I can see the point in it, but it’s just really demotivating. Now, it’s not in their hands anymore, and I have just about the same rights as a person who has a regular job.

That’s it… But to round this topic off for today, I want to also tell you, that I do know many other people who would deserve an early retirement, and some that strive for it because they are lazy. I was told by my mentor, that those lazy people are the ones making it hard for people like me to get an early retirement. I know very well how lucky I am for being here now, and I will never take my newfound freedom for granted.

91 Days – Review

I actually wanted to write about something else today, but I just finished this series 2 days ago, and figured I’d better write a review while I have the time, and it’s still fresh in my memory. It’s not like I get to watch a lot of anime lately, and especially not new ones, since I like to binge watch them, and waiting a whole week for every new episode is a pain! But I started this series earlier this week, and completed it the same day the last episode aired, and I was not disappointed!

At first, I wasn’t even sure if this was something I’d even like to watch, as mafia stories isn’t really my cup of tea, but I started it anyway, as the description sounded interesting. The first episode got me hooked right from the very start, and I watched the first half that same day. I could have watched the entire series in one big gulp, had it not been for the last missing episode at that time. And then there’s the boyfriend, who’d rather want to watch old X-Files episodes when he gets home.

Well anyway, let’s have a look at 91 Days! It all starts off pretty idyllic in America back in the 20’s. 2 brothers and their best friend have been playing that day, and as the friend has to go home, the father of the boys comes home. Everything seems to be fine, until some men enter the house, and threaten the father. The brothers hide in a closet, until the small one runs to his mother, who begs the men to spare her child’s life, after they murder her husband. Not wanting to leave any witnesses alive, they decide to kill both her and her son though, while not knowing there is another child in the room, who saw and heard everything.

He escapes the house alive, while one of the men tries to run after him and shoot him. He fails that task though, and the boy runs off into an uncertain future. 7 years later, we see that same boy, living in a rundown apartment, having nothing to live for but revenge. As he gets a letter from an unknown man containing a photo of his little brother, and a list of names of the ones who entered his house and killed his family back then, he starts to only care about wanting to kill those who ruined his life.

Not wanting to go alone, he finds his old childhood friend, whom he hasn’t seen since they pledged to become brothers after the murder. It turns out he is quite good at making moonshine, and wants to sell his booze in order to get enough money to study. As alcohol is very expensive, and the way of making money for the mafia, they try to sell the booze at a bar, where they run into one of the higher ups from a mafia family, and a game of life, death and revenge starts unfolding, as the one who failed to once shoot a little boy turns out to be right in front of him.

91days-02

I must say, while Avilio was a very nice main character, I liked his childhood friend Corteo the most. Without leaving too big of a spoiler, he was the one who made me tear up the most in the end. Nero, the main-target-to-kill was also very charismatic and loveable, like so many characters in this short 12 episode series. I’m surprised that such a short series managed to bring in so many characters, that I actually cared about, and wanted to root for in each their own way. Love them or hate them, it’s almost impossible to not feel for them in some kind of way.

As for the story, I think I already mentioned that it dragged me in from the very get-go. Revenge might be an overused theme, but it makes you feel for Avilio, who really lost it all. On top of that, he’s a very smart boy, and it makes for some cunning plans. Twists and turns will surprise you as the viewer, as not everything you see is actually what happened, making flashbacks crucial for understanding who killed who and why. And flashbacks are plenty! Not only because every person involved in the murder has a story to tell, but also because more than one perspective is needed to see what happened.

After 12 wonderful episodes, the ending left me empty though. Not in a bad way, but it’s a very open ending, and I am not sure how to interpret it yet. Maybe I need to someday watch all episodes one more time to really understand what happened there, or to just build my own opinion. You can already find tons of theories on the internet, but some are just absurd, and 2 of them are competing against each other. I’d love to write what I think about it here, but it would be too big of a spoiler, thinking about how new this series is. But let’s just say, that if you have watched Code Geass, and don’t know whether or not Lelouch is still alive, you kind of get the feeling that 91 Days will leave you with.

All in all, it was a very nice series, and every episode almost left the stench of cigarettes, alcohol and gunpowder in my living room. It’s one of those series not based on a manga or novel though, as far as I know, so you will probably either love it or hate it. It’s a special little piece if you ask me, and I’d like to recommend it to anyone who is looking for a short stand-alone series full of intrigues and gunshot murder. Give it a SHOT! 😉

Ghosty

Oh my, it’s been 2 weeks already? Although it feels like time is crawling these days, maybe it does fly after all. At least when it comes to my time at the PC… or lack thereof. Well anyway, remember how I wrote about my little ghost in the last post? My plan was to just sketch my ideas, and then vector them when we’re done moving and all… Plans change I guess. I opened up my laptop last week, installed Inkscape, watched a few tutorials to get back into it, and started inking my small drawings. And it was so much fun!

I found out that my old methods were basically shit, because I only worked with shapes back when I created my owls. Rewinding back to the beginning though, I actually started with Paint Studio Pro, but as it was impossible to export the images created there as vector, I decided on Inkscape. I thought I had to use shapes again, as my ghost is basically just, well… a shape. But inking was the far better choice. It’s not as easy as it looks in the tutorials, but I can complete one ghost in 1 – 2 hours, depending on the details in the image. That’s quite nice, and so I finished image number 10 yesterday.

Instead of just revealing all of them at once, I’ve decided to post one image every week. I’m going to use Instagram and Twitter, so please do stop by and follow if you like him. It won’t be boring if you’re a bit nerdy and like games, movies and comics. Pick your platform: Instagram and/or Twitter 🙂
As for prints, it’s gonna be a long wait if you want some. Since I won’t release them all at once, it would be a bit dumb to offer them as prints already.

Also, I don’t even know if anyone is going to like him. Getting images ready for printing takes up a lot of time, and I’m only going to do it if there is some sort of interest. To be honest though, I’d actually like a few buttons and stickers for myself, but ordering 100 of each just to satisfy my own needs is a bit expensive 😀

So please, if you like the idea of a non-scary ghost trying to fit into the modern world, give him a like or follow. Or just peek inside and leave a quick comment. Retweet, repost or share. Everything helps, and a quick click shows support! 🙂

Tiny bits of a life