Lazy roads to nowhere

Or, well, not to nowhere, but it sometimes feels like it, haha. Anyway, my grandmother’s funeral is over, her will is known to her children, and they are all three working together on it. I’m glad they managed to figure out what to do without the help of a lawyer, like I’m used to when someone dies in this family. I don’t know much about the will, and quite frankly, I don’t care much, as I’m just a grandchild, but according to my mom, it was very specific, which was to be expected of my very well organized grandmother.

Few days after her death though, I got a letter from DR1, the biggest TV station in Denmark, and I had no clue what they wanted from me. Opening the letter and reading the first few lines made it very clear though; my father was trying to contact me through a show called “Aldrig for sent” (Never too late), and it made my piss boil. I don’t want to explain in every detail why I don’t want to have anything to do with that idiot, but my mom has tried to make it very clear to him over the past 11 years, that he’s to stay away from us. The problem is though, that he’s a dense motherfucker, who doesn’t give a shit about what other people think or feel. So yeah, this was just another one of his awkward attempts at wanting to include me in his pitiful life, with his stupid ass wife and mother, who fit him so well. When someone says that you cannot choose your family, I always say “Yes you can!”, and I’m choosing not to acknowledge this fucker even exists. If only he’d have enough brain cells to actually accept that, and stop wasting time on pursuing me. Anyway, I called the TV station and told them the truth about him, and that they should not help a maniac on the loose. Sounded like it was not the first time someone tried to contact people who wanted nothing to do with them through that show, so the woman on the other end was very understanding, and would call my father to let him know he is not wanted. I wonder what he comes up with next…

Sooo, I also called the shop from where we got this problem child of a PC, because I keep having issues with FFXIV, as some stuff isn’t loading properly, and the graphics are actually worse than on the 11 year old PC we parted with for this piece of trash. Turns out we didn’t get what we ordered last year, and it finally shows now that I’m using the PC for what I wanted to. My boyfriend told them to build a PC that could handle FFXIV specifically, so that I wouldn’t have to choose between graphics or performance. They promised him (and still do) that this is a gamer PC, and it can handle FFXIV without any issues. Well, that’s a downright lie. Now they want us to drop off the PC at their shop (again, again, again, again, again) for them to check what is wrong with it, but we know how it ends. One week without a PC, and then we get it back with them saying, that it’s working as intended, and the problem must be in our end. I was even yelled at when I called them last month, before I could even explain what my issue was. My boyfriend then asked a colleague at work for advice, and he gave us the address of a website, where you can check if your PC is able to run a specific game, and if not, what needs to be changed in order for it to work. I ran the check at home, and of course it ended up telling me, that this PC can’t even handle FFXIV on minimum settings. The graphics card is simply shit, and not made for gaming. At that point, I had gotten a mail from the shop, that they were having a sale this weekend, and that I could get new parts at their event. Yeah, sell me parts because you didn’t deliver? No thanks! Needless to say, that we’re done with their bullshit, and that we’ll buy parts elsewhere. I’ll get a new graphics card, and then put 32MB RAM (or, well, we’ll see *lol*) into this piece of trash, and then get rid of the problem child nickname it’s had for over a year now. I’ll make that PC shine brighter than the sun! And then get a new monitor too, because I need it…

While being on the topic, the PC can miraculously still play FFXIV, even with the issues I have, and I managed to reach my goal of all lvl 60! I’ve still not stepped into Stormblood territory, and probably won’t until I’ve got new parts for the PC, but I’m still having lots of fun. I leveled Red Mage as the last class, and it felt so weird when I reached lvl 60 on it. Nowhere to go from now, but… Crafting! The screenshot is already a bit old, as my Astrologian is lvl 65 now, and all crafting skills somewhere between 50 and 53. My next goal is to empty my bags and retainers as much as possible, so I’ll be able to loot new stuff in Stormblood, without having storage issues. Crafting is expensive though, especially when you’re so shit at it as I am, so I’m only moving very slowly, since I’m a cheap ass Scrooge who doesn’t like wasting her Gil on gear and materials. At first, my biggest issue was getting shards though, but I found a solid solution to that. I’m planning on making a tutorial for shard farming here (for some odd reason), so I won’t get into that now.

Switching topic, I’m also crafting a bit in real life again, and am better at it with my real hands than my gamer hands. I got my package from Pandahall a while ago, and did some chainmaille jewelry crafting for the fun of it. I really like working with jumprings, and would like to buy more in different colors someday. It takes hours of work to create a simple bracelet though, so I’ve only made 2 so far (partially because of all the shit of the past 2 weeks). I can show you one of them, as the other one is a gift for my FC leader Y’neea. Well, they’re both on Instagram, but you can look at the other one yourself if you really want to.

From my Instagram.

I’ve still not opened the shop, and I’m annoying myself with my laziness *sigh* However! I completed chapter 2 of my novel, and even posted my weird little piece I made while taking a break on Wattpad. I might write more stupid stuff like that and post it on there, but we’ll see. I plan on finishing Bakura too, but am not in a hurry with that one, so if I complete it before 2018, I’d be happy. Also, I got some nice books at a flea market last weekend, and would really like to read more again, especially since 2 of them were written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle! The first thing I did though, was ripping jewelry apart and clean everything, then pop it all into tiny bags. Oh my gosh, I have so many funny beads now, thanks to that flea market, haha! Aaalso, I’m almost done watching the first season of Little Witch Academia, but it’s hard concentrating on it, when also wanting to watch Kakegurui. I don’t care what people say about that show, I find it very funny, but I’ll elaborate on that when the final episode has aired, and I can write a review here. It’s been a while since my last anime review. Not good! Gotta watch more anime!

Okay, this is already a really long post, but I’ve not written (nor done) anything noteworthy for a while, so whatever 😀

Every road has an end

In the night from Sunday to Monday, my grandmother passed away. Now, this wouldn’t have taken up a whole entry if it was because she died of natural causes, or a typical disease old people tend to get. Fact is though, that she took her own life, all alone in the middle of the night, and that bothers me… a lot.

She had been talking about committing suicide for a while now, and thus she was staying at the hospital to keep her safe and taken care of. It was not a prison though, and she was allowed to leave whenever she wanted, which she decided to do for a week, when my aunt was in the country to take care of her in her own home. When she was sleeping, my grandmother drove away with a bottle of wine, and didn’t come back. When my aunt woke up the next day, and noticed her mom wasn’t in the house anymore, she called the police, who had found a body floating in the water in a nearby city.

No doubt it was my grandmother. She had alcohol in her blood, and her car was left unlocked near the shore. The police stated that no crime had been committed, so we’re left to believe, that she drove off to drink her last bottle of wine, and then drowned herself. She left a letter for each of her children, and that kind of says it all.

At first, I wanted to blame the hospital for letting a suicidal old woman go home, but my aunt was there for her, and it was not a prison, so who should I blame? Then I thought that no one was to blame at all. It was my grandmother’s own decision, and she has always been a woman in control, which she wanted to be until the very end. She’s been having heart problems the past few years, and could take less and less care of her huge house and three gardens. On top of that, she started forgetting things, which was maybe an early sign of dementia, something my grandmother would not want to live with. She was also diagnosed with depression, mainly due to her being more and more alone, since all her friends and neighbors were slowly passing away of old age.

So it’s not like I’m gonna ask “Why?”, as I already know why she did it. But I’m surely asking myself “Why now?”. She’s been granted her wish of getting a pacemaker for her bad heart, and was waiting for it. Also, she seemed to be okay with the thought of moving to another town, where she could live in a smaller house among other elderly people, some of them whom she already knew. Of course, that would require waiting for a vacant house, where she could eventually move in. So, did the waiting kill her? Probably…

I’m not saying that I accept her decision, but I do understand it. I know how hard it is to walk around with a depression, wanting to take my own life, because everything seems to be an endless struggle. I have someone to hold onto when that happens though, and things I can do to stay away from suicidal thoughts. My grandmother had my mom and my aunt who came to visit and help, but they were barely there during a normal day, especially since my aunt lives in London, and not here. Also, she was getting too old and fragile to even take care of her house, which was part of what she lived for.

I remember when I was a kid, and I told my mom “I won’t cry when grandma dies!”, she just said “Yes, you will”. She was right, and I was wrong. I’ve learned to understand why my grandmother was who she was. Why she sometimes did things I deemed as stupid and selfish. Why she said nasty things that hurt us. Why she was always nicer towards my aunt than my mom. I don’t agree with her actions, or the things she used to say, but I do understand them. She was simply from a different time, with different values and ways of treating other people. My mom was adopted, and my aunt was the only “real” child. This had always been the breaking point in the family.

Anyway, what I’m most afraid of now is the aftermath. I don’t know if my grandmother left a last will or not, but I surely hope so. I’m sure my mom and aunt will do their best to find out what is going to happen now, but I’m not so sure about my uncle. Yes, they also have a brother, and funny enough, he decided to get back in touch with the family after 25 years, when he heard about how weak his mom had become. This is a signal of greed to me, and of course to my aunt and mom as well. I just hope he won’t be able to mess things up, especially since the situation is already hard for anyone involved.

It seems to me, that every death drives the family apart…

Writing that… Light Novel?

Last week I watched a video of The Anime Man, which was an interview with the author of a light novel that caused his breakthrough as a writer. I didn’t watch all of it, as it was a bit of a drag I think, but one thing got stuck in my head. He wrote like 16 light novels in 9 months! Okay, so he was single and unemployed, and he said he had all the time in the world, but still, 16 ideas and stories done in 9 months, that impressive!

It made me think of my own writing, or lack thereof. You know that feeling when something is bothering you, but you can’t quite pinpoint what exactly it is? Yeah, that’s what I felt about my own story so far; something. It didn’t feel like a real novel to me, so after watching the most interesting part of that video, I thought a lot about what I’ve been doing. Then, few days ago while gathering in FFXIV (I always read stuff while gathering, else I’d die from boredom), I decided to read up on light novels, and found some very interesting articles.

Until now, all I’ve been reading about were normal novels, so it was quite refreshing to read about something with no rules or limitations. Or well, novels don’t have those either, but light novels have more freedom it seems. Then I realized what has been bothering me all this time; my story is very dialog heavy! The story is being told through dialog, and not by what is actually happening. On top of that, my characters are very much inspired by anime and manga. Light novels rely on dialog instead of actions, are inspired by (and sometimes adapted to) anime and manga, so… I’m writing a light novel?

I let that new thought sink in for a few hours, and while doing so, it felt like a heavy burden had been removed from my shoulders. The burden of feeling like what I’m doing isn’t nearly as good as it should be, and not wanting to move forward with it because of that. But I wasn’t at fault; it was just me thinking in the wrong lane. I’m not writing a normal novel, I’m writing a light novel!

Then my thoughts went back to the video I watched, and that the author wasn’t just concentrating on one story for starters. As weird as it may sound, I also watched a video about the psychological aspects of Boku no Pico. Yep, Boku no Pico… And one thing there made me think about something I’d like to write about; observing random people. So I went and wrote a very short first person story of 1½ pages, where people are being observed by someone sitting on a bench. It’s a story with very little dialog, and it was refreshing to write it! I might publish it on a site at some point, but right now I’ll just leave it be.

Writing something very different than what I’ve been working on the past months has revitalized me, and new ideas for my main story are finding their way to my notes. I still have tons of other stuff I want to do before I write again, but I feel much better about what I’ve done so far, and it will surely help me when writing the rest of it 🙂

Tiny bits of a life